It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Randomize
