I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
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