we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
