Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
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