I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
