and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
