what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
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