dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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