me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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