Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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