I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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