he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
