my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
