i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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