so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Randomize
