It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
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