remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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