This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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