I'm gonna have a badass scar
i permit you to call me
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
