He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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