By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
