My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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