I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
