the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
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