My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Randomize
