I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Randomize
