i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
