insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
