can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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