My liver just broke up with me...
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
