Swine flu. Run for my life!
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
