i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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