I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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