if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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