the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
