whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
