i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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