my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
