I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
