Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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