It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
