I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Randomize
