so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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