his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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