I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I would fuck him just for his dog
Randomize
