the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
