Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
