omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
