Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
