also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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